Dear Anti Defamation League for Giants:
I recommend you take strict action against Bryan Singer, the director of a new gigantasophobic movie titled “Jack the Giant Slayer.” All the goodwill that was generated over the years by Fezzik (André the Giant in “The Princess Bride”) and Rubeus Hagrid (Robbie Coltrane in the “Harry Potter” series) has been subverted by this ... well, this giant-bashing motion picture.
Supposedly based on the Cornish fairy tale, it tells the story of a farmhand who reopens a portal to the land of giants, unleashing them on the peaceful kingdom. So Jack leads an army against these supposedly ferocious gargantuans.
This story is closely aligned with the English folk tale of “Jack and the Beanstalk,” which was more about a gardening dispute over the planting of some magic beans.
For this outright slander against giants Singer tried to hide his guilt by changing the film’s name. It was originally supposed to be called “Jack the Giant Killer,” but when Singer took over the directing reigns from deposed D.J. Caruso he swapped the appellation to “Giant Slayer.” Could it be that the studio thought Caruso was too soft on giants?
Next thing Singer did was cast Nicholas Hoult (whom he had directed in “X-Men: First Class”) as the war-mongering Jack.
British actress Eleanor Tomlinson was picked to play the warm bodied princess. Her previous credits included “Angus, Thongs and Perfect Snogging,” a teen comedy whose title speaks for itself.
Pretending to class up the act, Singer hired the inimitable Stanley Tucci to play an advisor to the king who aspires to take over the throne. Ewan McGregor was chosen as the leader of the king’s guard who joins Jake in this genocide against giants.
In keeping with the original fairy tale, Jack must face a two-headed giant. The big head is played by Bill Nighy and the little head (quit smirking) is played by John Kassir.
Singer tries to portray this attack on the giants’ homeland as a rescue attempt to save the kidnapped princess, but some might instead characterize this as a hate crime against giants. You certainly wouldn’t want one to marry Princess Isabel, you can almost hear Jack thinking.
You may enjoy the skillful animation, the detailed CGI rendering of the giants, and the take-your-breath-away battle scenes. But couldn’t Singer have been more politically correct about it? We don’t say “midgets” anymore, we say “little people.” If Singer was going to tinker with the film’s title, why couldn’t he have called it “Jack the Big People Slayer”? Seems a lot harsher when put that way, doesn’t it.
I’d like to thank the Anti Defamation League for hearing me out on this giant-sized issue.
Shirrel Rhoades is a fillm writer for Cooke Communications.