'The Island': You've seen it all before... and better

In "The Island," Michael Bay's new sci-fi/action flick set in 2019, the protagonist, Lincoln Six-Echo (Ewan McGregor), lives in an antiseptic, hermetic complex where everyone wears white jumpsuits and their health is so closely monitored that a little too much sodium in your urine could mean no bacon at breakfast.

According to Merrick (Sean Bean), the guy who runs the place, Lincoln and his colleagues are the sole survivors of a worldwide contamination. However, there remains one uncontaminated place, a paradise known as the Island. A daily lottery is held to see who gets to move there.

Dreamworks SKG 'The Island' D+ The verdict: Hardly paradise. Director: Michael Bay Starring: Ewan McGregor, Scarlett Johansson, Djimon Hounsou, Sean Bean, Steve Buscemi Run time: 127 minutes Release date: July 22, 2005 Rating: PG-13 for intense sequences of violence and action, some sexuality and language. See showtimes On the web Official movie site View the trailer    Trailers require Quicktime Rate "The Island"   Go see it   Make it a matinee   Wait to rent   Don't bother Voter Limit: Once per Hour View Poll Results

Everyone seems content except Lincoln, who wants answers to what he considers the Big Questions. Such as: Why does everyone wear white? What's tofu? And why can't he have bacon at breakfast?

Unfortunately, these are the wrong Big Questions. What he doesn't know — and Merrick isn't telling — is that (spoiler alert, though what follows has been already revealed in the trailers) there was no contamination. Lincoln and his ilk are actually clones, sponsored by supermodels, football stars and anyone else with big bucks who wants an extra set of body parts. Winning the lottery means your liver is needed.

Conversely, Merrick has lied to the sponsors, telling them their body-shops-on-demand are unconscious things with no feelings or intelligence. (Spoiler alert over!)

When Lincoln finds out the truth, he and Jordan Two-Delta (Scarlett Johansson) escape. Cue the explosions, car chases, flying motorcycles, and a set piece on top of a huge corporate logo that's about to topple 60 or 70 stories.

So much for the fascinating premise. At this point, we may as well be watching Ben Affleck and Bruce Willis in "Armageddon."

To paraphrase Gertrude Stein, a Michael Bay movie is a Michael Bay movie is a Michael Bay movie. Loud, fast and dumb, with budget-busting special effects. (Bay's the director responsible for "Pearl Harbor" and "The Rock.") There's one change, however. For producer, he's traded Jerry Bruckheimer for Steven Spielberg. Granted, a trade up, but not enough — though it probably explains why the complex's residents have little numbers tattooed, concentration camp-style, on their wrists.

Bay's vision of the future looks like a hotel lobby in Soho crossed with the MARTA Five Points station. In other words, like the future envisioned in some mid-'70s movie. Like, say, "Logan's Run," to which this movie bears more than a passing resemblance ("Coma" and "THX 1138," too). And the script's premise was done much better — well, much ickier — in 1990's "Blood Salvage," which was filmed in Georgia.

At its best, "The Island" is like a Michael Crichton movie without Michael Crichton's smarts. It does help that the leads are played by McGregor and Johansson. He brings a little texture to the film, a little weight, even a little humor. She brings her Bardot lips and Britney mane. When they aren't being overwhelmed by the frenetic action, relentless score and ADD editing, they do what they can with the lousy dialogue.

"I write my own action," Bay proudly proclaimed to Newsweek. Fair enough, but would it be asking too much if he paid at least a little attention to stuff like plot and character?