If you're a longtime movie lover like me, then I bet you've felt that special moment when you know you're watching something classic. Like "Casablanca" or "The Terminator" or "Smokey and the Bandit." Which leads me to "The Real Cancun."

In this EXCELLENT new movie, a skinny 18-year-old Texas college kid named Alan says, "I just wanna see some boobies." Then he says it again later. Then, maybe because he's in Mexico and he thinks nobody understands what he's saying, he changes it to, "I want HOOTERS!"

In other words, he speaks to the eternal condition of man.

Now, I bet you're asking yourselves -- does he GET his hooters? My friends, would I have called this film "excellent" if he did not? Hooters are plentiful here, along with major thongage. It's Cancun, right?

See, the people behind "The Real World" had the GENIUS idea of taking their cameras down to Mexico for spring break, and they put up 16 college kids in this beachfront hotel. The kids party, they hook up, they drink buckets of tequila. In other words, they are in heaven, am I right?

They're all good-looking, but one of the sexiest is Sky, who gets hit on by Paul, but she likes Jeremy, only Jeremy hooks up with Laura then breaks her heart by hitting on anything in a thong. And there's a LOT of thongs, did I mention?

Oh, but I was talking about Paul and Sky. He goes, "You're gorgeous," and she goes, "I'm a mysterious unknowable princess (blah blah blah), CHASE ME!" And he DOES chase her for four days and gets zip for it. So he gets tired and hooks up with somebody else and Sky goes all freakish. Which speaks to the eternal condition of woman. Just ask my ex-wife.

As for skinny Alan, he is The Man, and you will see what I mean. He's the kid who goes from never having drunk a drink in his life to being this total body-shot fiend. Once the coeds at Texas Tech see this movie, he might as well walk around naked, 'cause he'll lose a lot of time taking his clothes off to satisfy his new fans.

Damn. I wish my spring break was ever like that when I was his age. But see, that's what's great about "Cancun." It's an awesome How-To movie. I figure I'll take my son Cal to see it, so he can learn stuff.

It's real educational about the mysteries of love. Like for instance, how a young man (Matt) can win the heart of a young lady (Sarah) by pouring a Fat Tuesday cup of his urine on her leg to soothe her jellyfish sting. Or, on the other hand, how the same guy (Matt) can LOSE her heart by having sex with a pickup skank in the communal shower that anybody (like, say, Sarah) can look in and see what's, pardon-my-French, up.

It's also a good way for Cal to learn about the movie's only other subject, liquor. "Cancun" shows us that alcohol is both a good thing and a bad thing. For instance, Cal wouldn't have ever been born without alcohol. And it's a GOOD thing he was born, but the booze made LaDonna and me forget about protection and I was still living with my folks, and that's a BAD thing. See?

So there's lots of stuff Cal can learn by watching "The Real Cancun," and I figure it's time he started knowing the what's-what. I mean, he's already 5.

What's amazing about the movie is how quick they made it and got it into theaters. They finished shooting on March 23, which means they filmed smack-dab in the middle of the first days of fighting in Iraq. But do you hear these kids worry about the war or even mention it? No. They're too busy slurping tequila puddles out of bellybuttons, flashing flesh and having sex in showers. And that's an America worth fighting for, am I right?