Grade: C-

Verdict: Overblown and underwhelming. It's slightly better than the odious "The Cat in the Hat."

In the incessant, irritating noise that is "Van Helsing," the werewolves overhowl at the moon, the vampy vampires make annoying cat screeches, and zealous plucks from guitar strings blast their way through the soundtrack's bloated orchestrations.

The movie's also stuffed with enough over-the-top computer effects -- a few of them simply lame -- to choke George Lucas.

And "Van Helsing'" lead actors Hugh Jackman and Kate Beckinsale? They never had a chance.

Jackman plays a wide-hatted 19th century hunter of scary creatures like Dracula, Dr. Jekyll's Mr. Hyde and Frankenstein's Monster. He's got PR problems because once he kills a killer, his prey turns back into human form and, thus, the public thinks Van Helsing is the bad guy.

The movie's got even bigger problems. It's the kind of film that sucks the life out of all it encounters.

It is an overly expensive (the budget has been estimated as high as $150 million), overblown mess of upside-down vampires and wailing monstrosities, boo scares and incomprehensible weather patterns. First it rains, then it snows, then lightning strikes. Meanwhile, clouds come and go on cue to mask the moon, thereby changing werewolves into humans and back again, depending on needs of the plot.

Make no mistake, "Van Helsing" will top the weekend's box-office tally. In a way, the film marks the beginning of summer moviegoing.

Writer-director Stephen Sommers made his mark in Hollywood with the questionable "Mummy" movies, which piled on special effects to mask limp stories.

"Van Helsing" is more of the same. Lots more.

Some of the Transylvania sets, in fact, are breathtaking. The opening sequence, involving the creation of Frankenstein's Monster (played by Tony winner and Marietta native Shuler Hensley) is a near visual masterpiece of old-style matte paintings, intriguing castle sets and electrical gizmos.

The computer effects alternate between the good (the electrified head of Frankenstein's Monster), the bad (Mr. Hyde is far less convincing than last summer's critically annihilated "Hulk") and the truly ugly (a ship on the high seas looks as ridiculous as anything in "The League of Extraordinary Gentlemen").

What is lacking throughout the film is the script, brimming with inane and pompous prattle. The plot never gets any deeper than Jackman's Van Helsing pontificating, "You think I enjoy being the most hated man in Europe?"

Beckinsale and others are saddled with ridiculously affected accents. David Wenham (Faramir in the "The Lord of the Rings" movies) is seriously miscast as Carl, the weird-haired comic relief friar and Van Helsing's gadget-making sidekick. Richard Roxburgh's evil Dracula is more laughable than sinister.

Many of the side characters appear costumed for a revival of "The Rocky Horror Picture Show." Makeup-wise, they are pancaked within an inch of their lives.

The emotional vacuum between characters and moviegoing audience is almost palpable. There is but a single scene where but a single character -- Hensley as Frankenstein's Monster -- conveys any sort of honest emotion.

But, hey, it looks really cool when the guy playing the first werewolf rips off his own skin to reveal the beast within.