Happy New Year! I feel like the guy who shows up for a New Year’s Eve party a day late and ready to party down. Anyway, let’s review the past year and evaluate our most significant cultural and political achievements...
OK, maybe instead we’ll just review some noteworthy news items.
I suppose the biggest story of the past year was the election. This was launched during President Obama’s 2009 inaugural speech, when U.S. Senate Minority Leader Mitch “Startled Tortoise” McConnell vowed to “make Obama a one term president,” thereby setting a new land-speed record for venomous partisan politics. Despite this, McConnell is despised and reviled by the extreme right wing of the Republican Party for not being suitably vicious. This is rather like ridiculing the Hell’s Angels for being insufficiently combative.
As part of the process of selecting a presidential nominee, the Republicans held a monthly raffle to see who could shoot to the top of the polls and then implode in the most spectacular fashion. Rick Santorum, Herman Cain, Rick Perry, Newt Gingrich and Wanker, the Wonder Dog (aka Donald Trump) all took turns riding this rocket, even though it was widely acknowledged that none of them could win so much as the Westminster Dog Show (except for Wanker — whose hair might earn him Best In Show).
Of course ultimately the Republican nomination went to Mitt “The Sears Underwear Ad Guy” Romney. Mitt’s appeal was that he exhibited the charisma of a Buckingham Palace guard combined with the verbal dexterity of a pub patron at closing time. After six years and well over a $1 billion, he still managed to blow an election that was universally seen as un-blowable by any Republican with a pulse. Oh right... no one checked his pulse.
On the local scene, Chief Resident Superior Court Judge Jerry Tillett was thwarted in his attempt to become the first Judicial District’s version of Darth Vader, when the N. C. Court of Appeals ordered him to play nice with the Kill Devil Hills Police Department or else they’d break his gavel. Unimpressed, Tillett appealed this ruling (which he had little authority to appeal) and continued to pursue his vendetta against KDH. The Jedi Council (this metaphor is getting out of hand) rebuffed Tillett and the feud has ended – for now.
What started it all? Evidently, Tillett was irked by the fact that his grown son was stopped by a KDH cop. I tried desperately to avoid a “Luke, I am your father!” reference, but was powerless to resist. So sue me.
Many Washington insiders were shocked to discover that former four-star general and then-current CIA chief David Petraeus had been carrying on a years-long affair with a woman who had apparently written a glowing biography of him. And they say that reading is dead. The U.S. Secret Service went to Columbia, South America to furnish security for President Obama’s visit to the Summit of the Americas. Their tireless efforts to comb every bar and bawdy house in the country for security breaches were rewarded by reassignment to former four-star general and then-current CIA chief David Petraeus.
The most significant cultural achievement of the past year was the premiere of a quaint little TV show entitled “Here Comes Honey Boo Boo” (which I stumbled upon quite by accident while feverishly ill). Although I rarely promote broadcast or cable programming, I cannot recommend this show highly enough. Among the many highlights which will stick with you for the rest of your days (despite contra-indicated medication) is the revelation of why “Momma June” (the family matriarch) refuses to remove one of her socks, even in the presence of immediate family.
In yet more local news, the construction on Road Street, which has been in progress since the Bronze Age, has entered what company spokespersons refer to the “final” stages of construction. In related news, British officials have confidently predicted that Stonehenge is in the “final” stages of construction.
Meanwhile, engineers in charge of removing the 81-year-old Camden Causeway Bridge have stated that “She’s a tough old bird!” The last time I said that I was slapped – and I deserved it.
One of many new N.C. laws which were swept in with the new year is one that promises to “crack down on grease thieves.” I was unaware that this had become a problem. I’ve been keeping house (sort of) for over 40 years. In all of that time I have never had one “grease thief” breach the sanctity of my home and make off with my excess grease.
If anyone is interested in doing so, call me (maybe?)
Bud Wright is a published author and Pasquotank County resident.