What we’re currently witnessing within the Republican presidential candidate selection process is nothing short of amazing. Will Rogers once observed (in the 1920s) that “I’m not a member of any organized political party – I’m a Democrat.” Things are a little different this time around. The Democrats look positively Zen next to the Republicans, who are scurrying around like a NASCAR pit crew on crystal meth.

The Republicans have apparently formed an “I’m-not-crazy-I-just-act-that-way Candidate of the Month” club, which runs a new front-runner up the flagpole about once a month or so, always with hilarious — albeit frightening — results.

Let’s see, so far we’ve had close encounters of the wing-nut kind with Donald Trump, Michelle Bachman, Herman Cain, Newt Gingrich, Rick Santorum, Oscar the Grouch and Batman.

At least the last two had youth-vote appeal. I left out Mitt Romney although he is the nominal front-runner, only because his appeal is to voters from the year 1952, which was apparently the last time that moderate Republicans were spotted in the wild. I’ve heard rumors about the existence of these mythical creatures for years, but give the rumors no more credence than I do alleged sightings of the dodo or people who wear formal clothing at Walmart.

A familiar pattern of ascendency and self immolation has emerged.

First, a series of debates will take place, during which the candidates attack each other with all of the finesse of a sardonic “Three Stooges” short, replete with eye-boinks and “nyuk, nyuk, nyuks.”

Out of these traveling side shows will emerge an unlikely victor, who invariably caries very problematic baggage and has the temperament of a wolverine. Evidently, the air in victory lane is a little thin, as the candidate of the hour will embark on a series of verbal gaffes interspersed with incendiary rhetoric that is duly reported by the mainstream media. The conservative media then begins to hyperventilate at the temerity of the flaming liberal conceit of accurately quoting the candidate. “How dare” Rush Limbaugh might intone, “the lame-stream media truthfully report that Gingrich wants to fire all the public school janitors and chain poverty-stricken children to mop handles.”

Eventually, the candidate-of-the-moment/human time bomb goes up in a plume of smoke and is rejected by the voters of the next Republican primary, who have a brief moment of clarity, followed by; “What were we thinking?” and “That guy’s nuts.”

Then it’s Monday again, and the whole cycle starts over. It’s been like this for months, and I see no signs of it letting up. Newt Gingrich, of course, is the latest Republican star to fall from the firmament, snarling that he will fight “all the way to the Republican Convention.”

I sincerely hope so. I’m tired of all the slick, pre-packaged coronations that we’ve been subjected to for decades, now — on both sides. I have visions of non-Fox News correspondents being arrested and unceremoniously tossed out of the Republican convention hall if it comes to a floor fight between candidates — and any attempt is made to cover it.

Come to think of it, I once saw a reporter being thrown out of a Republican convention. The year was 1964. On that occasion, NBC correspondent John Chancellor’s offense was his refusal to step aside for Barry Goldwater’s goons when so ordered. Armed guards appeared and Chancellor was manhandled then cuffed, eventually being carted off to the hoosegow. He signed off his live report by saying, “This is John Chancellor — somewhere in custody.” I watched this entire spectacle live and remember it as if it were yesterday. It was grand theatre.

The current flavor of the month is Rick Santorum. He’s the new anti-Romney, having won Republican primaries in Colorado, Missouri and Minnesota last weekend.

Tick…tick…tick.

Santorum fits the aforementioned profile perfectly. In 2002, he blamed the Catholic priest abuse scandal on the city of Boston, claiming that “It lies at the center of the storm.” His reasoning was that “There are a lot of liberals there.” He is not only rabidly anti-gay, he has, in the past, compared homosexuality with bestiality and pedophilia. He is on record as holding an unshakable belief that climate change is “a hoax” and “junk science.” Evidently, his amateur scientist status knows no limits, as he recently confidently confirmed — to a previously clueless scientific community — that abortion definitely causes cancer.

If the past truly is prologue, Santorum will likely implode. The real question is what flamethrower will emerge from the pack to supplant him — and when?

Tick…tick…tick.

Bud Wright is a resident of Elizabeth City